Happy with Mixed Reviews

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

Sweet sensations

If there is one thing I am probably addicted to in life it is Haribo Sweets. I mean I absolutely love it. Apart from my wife I am absolutely convinced that nothing better could ever come out of Yorkshire. Have you tried those little star mix hearts? Amazing. Even the Halloween mix feels naughty but nice! Truth is they are sometimes like a soft form of drugs for me. Some people sit smoking cannabis, I chew on white foam eggs...!

Can I be honest with you? Haribo is not the only thing I have struggled with as an issue. For a long time I think I was really challenged on the issue of approval addiction too.

What is approval addiction?

I am talking about wanting others to approve of who I am and what I do, and in the attention you get from others somehow finding a form of false comfort and security. It is the sweet taste of feeling like you have the hearts of people - and it is sometimes better than a sugar rush. It is built on a desire to hear, see and know that everyone around you is pleased and impressed with you. And the worse part is that it takes in little to no account of what my heavenly father thinks about my true worth.

Looking back at my history it has shown itself in different ways. Wanting to impress the crowd. Working to be seen by the boss or client as brilliant. Driven to design the best leaflet. Desperate to be prophecied over in a meeting by the big visiting speaker. I have asked myself things like Am I funny? Do they see me as "worthy and important". Do they like me? Why don't they appreciate me for who I am?

The answers to these questions helped me build a framework around myself - a shelter of sorts - but unfortunately when the big bad wolf of disapproval came along and huffed and puffed, it blew my house down.

This search for identity "in other peoples opinions" leads you down a rabbit warren of questioning your self worth. You try to find answers through others when they can only be found in yourself. More importantly, they can only be found in God.

Thankfully I have taken some huge steps to kick the habit.


The Cycle of Grace

I was reminded this week in an article I read about the negative cyle that people often end up going down when they focus on "what do people think". First we value achievement as this helps us form our identity. Our sense of significance is dependant upon what we achieve so we push on. This leads to drivenness which is an ongoing push to make ourselves more acceptable to others, ourselves and maybe even God. This leads to feelings of acceptance which are temporary and fragile forcing us to go around the cycle again like a hamster on a unending wheel.

There is of course an alternative cycle (perhaps a tandem?) rooted in new found grace. What if we were to start from a place of acceptance and approval by God? What if this acceptance leads us to dependance on God's resources of love? What if this gives us our identity and sense of significance and therefore leads to amazing fruitfulness? Now this sounds really sweet to me.

Mixed Reviews

This past week I picked up a newspaper article about a new band which was condemned as having "mixed reviews". In the world of pop this pretty much means you are rubbish but in the Kingdom of God I am not so sure. When I think about the kind of approval Jesus had from people closest to him, you could only conclude at the very least he got "mixed reviews." But Jesus never was concerned with what people thought - he never sought after the glory or stopped to check "how people received his preach". Why? Because above everything his identity was tied up with that of his father. The son was approved by the dad, and that was enough to beat the cheers or jeers of any crowd. I often wonder if you and I were meant to view life the same way?

The bottom line is Jesus wants us to see life through the eyes of a loved child and not a performing monkey.

Have you tied the Balloon?

A while back I did a talk at a young leaders conference. Whilst talking about the issue of approval I used the illustration of a balloon. When you blow into a balloon it is filled up, like being filled with the approving words of other. But what about when the negative words come via others or even from yourself? It is like the air rushes out and we become deflated and in need of another breath of fresh positive air. This happens over and over again. But as we dwell on who we are in Christ and allow the "cycle of grace" to take over, we find ourselves tying the balloon and soaring with purpose. I Know am approved. I know I am accepted. I know I am significant - in HIM.

How do I know I have changed?

Here are a few practical things I am noticing in myself since I tied my balloon... I say no to people more. I don't fish for compliments after I do something as much. I care more for others and seek to build them up and point them to a God who approves of them more than I ever could. I face conflict easier. More people don't like me or approve of me - I don't please everyone! I don't have to be right all the time. I do a lot more good stuff in secret - stuff others won't or don't need to know. I can relax more with people. I don't have to be centre stage but I am okay if that is the case - it doesn't make a difference either way. I can simply be myself (which incidently is still slightly funny, loud and in your face sometimes!)

Of course the biggest addiction I still have is that I can't stop thinking about gummy bears. Any thoughts on how to beat that one - please let me know? Perhaps I have let the love of God tie my balloon and even though I still feel the prick of insecurity and the thrashing of the wind, maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to let myself fly...